Girl who dances in a cage (cagekitten) wrote,
Girl who dances in a cage

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Kitten returns!

I'm back! God I missed you guys. It occurred to me while I was gone that I have 3 communities I really feel a part of. My spiritual community is one, which I have been with the longest. Then the goth community, which I am still relatively new to. And my LiveJournal community, which oddly enough I have more regular contact with (daily for the most part) than my other two communities. All three nurture me and give me a sense of connection and belonging. And of course I have individual friends within these communities and a smattering of friends that don't fit into any of these communities. And there's the cross-over (there are a couple goths in my spiritual community, and a lots on LiveJournal). Trust me when I say, I really missed this community!

Something else I discovered while I was on this retreat. A high self-esteem does not necessarily equal high self-value. In my case, quite the opposite. I'm saddened by how poorly I have been caring for myself. Although I have never been in love, I do now how it feels to care for some one very deeply. And I would never treat anyone I'm with, and care for deeply, the way I've been treating myself. If they were hungry, I would cook them a meal (or try, since I can't actually cook). If their room or house was a mess but they were too overwhelmed to clean it, I would clean it for them. If they were in poor health, I would make sure they follow doctor's orders to get better. If I couldn't help them with a problem, I would encourage them to go to friends that can.

Yet I have not been doing these things for myself. I won't cook for myself anymore. I don't clean my living space unless I'm expecting company. I don't always care for my body the way my doctor tells me to. I don't always go to friends directly when I need help. I don't understand how I ended up loving my life so much but disliking myself. I am amazed. I have to take what I learned and step back. Quite simply, I have to treat myself the way I would treat a lover; with honor, with respect, with care.

I learned lots of fun things too at the camp retreat. I felt loved and surrounded and supported by my community. I got closer to people I know but never had the time to bond with. I ate and ate and ate wonderful food! I have so much to write and tell about. But I have so much packing to do since I'm moving on Tuesday. I honestly don't see how I'll be done in time. In fact, I'm feeling overwhelmed and pressured already. Hopefully I can write more from my temp job. Because I have to get going on all these things that are demanding my time right now.

Here's a picture of Kitten enjoying fun and friends at the camp retreat! That's me on the bottom right, wearing a gray sweatshirt some one loaned me.


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