Girl who dances in a cage (cagekitten) wrote,
Girl who dances in a cage
cagekitten

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My brain is STARVING!!!! (I got it ALL figured out now)

Well it doesn't take a genius to figure out what's wrong with me this week. It's a combination of boredom and once again the estrogen. As for the estrogen I've been taking, I promised myself I would finish this pill pack and stop! But I decided to wait one more month and do one more 30 day pack, since I want the increased...ummm...size, to fill out my dance outfits all next month when I work 3 nights as a dancer. And if I didn't know any better, I'd say they got even bigger this week. I was in acting class when I looked down and started to wonder if my sweater had ever looked that tight on me before. After a while I realized some one was trying to get my attention. I was so engrossed staring at my own breasts, that I didn't realize some one had been speaking to me. I can't help it. They look good. They feel good ('cause they're real!) and damn they make me happy. But how much longer can I stand being deeply depressed one week per month just to keep them?

As for the boredom, I didn't realize how much until I had an intellectually stimulating conversation with my acting teacher today. As part of my work study, she had me read the play "Oleana" and then choose a scene for two of her students to perform. I have never appreciated David Mamet (the author) as much as I did today.

What makes this play so truly amazing is that it is not just cut and dry. Whether or not the person (in the play) being accused is actually guilty, is totally up to interpretation. And each and every human being has a different interpretation of events and conversations based on their own experiences. So people who have seen the same play, who witnessed the event in question, will actually leave the theatre arguing about whether or not it actually happened.

SO ANYWAY, there I am figuring this all out and adding some of myself to my interpretation and discussing it back and forth with my teacher. And low and behold...SPARKS FLY in my brain. Brain cells that have been dormant for months are being challenged and put to use! I'm figuring things out...I'm defining them...I'M UNDERSTANDING THEM.

And I can see this principal in my own life. The last person I dated took conversations and applied meaning to them based on his past experiences. I did the same. Everyone does it. It's how our brains work. It's how we are wired to operate. And here it is illustrated before your eyes in a riveting story/play. Mamet is suddenly a genius to me for exploiting a simply pyschological fact and demanding we apply ourselves to the story based on the elevating tension and need for a resolution that is based on our own interpretation of who is guilty and who is not.

No wonder I keep thinking about my previous relationship. It was left undefined. If my brain can constantly grapple with why some one would act a certain way and make a promise and then break the promise and completely change....then my brain has a constant source of challenge. I am continually fishing for new information that will build my understanding and comprehension. And without his feedback to do so, without verification from the source, I am left with something challenging to ponder whenever I am bored. It has very little to do with him and a hell of a lot to do with my desperate need to keep my brain challenged and stimulated.

I need to be challenged and form new thought processes and concepts constantly! It keeps me alive. It keeps me thriving. If trying to figure out a failed relationship will do that for me, then it gets thought of and processed a LOT (and thus I never get past it). Acting isn't doing that for me right now. Reading something and comparing notes and meaning with others IS. Perhaps I need to be back in school. Perhaps I should skip the arts like photography and design. Maybe I need to pursue something intellectually challenging such as literature or a degree in psychology. But I don't want to counsel people. Oh no! I want to see their worlds from their perpectives. I want to understand a million different interpretations of one sentence or event. And then I want to assimilate those understandings and incorporate them into my own writing and art. Damn! I'm not sure...but I think I just got my whole life figured out!

And on a much less intellectual note...here is the previously mentioned SLAVE collar from the Crypt (along with estrogen enhancements). Took this picture of it last night:

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<img [...] <img>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

Well it doesn't take a genius to figure out what's wrong with me this week. It's a combination of boredom and once again the estrogen. As for the estrogen I've been taking, I promised myself I would finish this pill pack and stop! But I decided to wait one more month and do one more 30 day pack, since I want the increased...ummm...size, to fill out my dance outfits all next month when I work 3 nights as a dancer. And if I didn't know any better, I'd say they got even bigger this week. I was in acting class when I looked down and started to wonder if my sweater had ever looked that tight on me before. After a while I realized some one was trying to get my attention. I was so engrossed staring at my own breasts, that I didn't realize some one had been speaking to me. I can't help it. They look good. They <i>feel</i> good ('cause they're real!) and damn they make me happy. But how much longer can I stand being deeply depressed one week per month just to keep them?

As for the boredom, I didn't realize how much until I had an intellectually stimulating conversation with my acting teacher today. As part of my work study, she had me read the play "Oleana" and then choose a scene for two of her students to perform. I have never appreciated David Mamet (the author) as much as I did today.

What makes this play so truly amazing is that it is not just cut and dry. Whether or not the person (in the play) being accused is actually guilty, is totally up to interpretation. And each and every human being has a different interpretation of events and conversations based on their own experiences. So people who have seen the same play, who witnessed the event in question, will actually leave the theatre arguing about whether or not it actually happened.

SO ANYWAY, there I am figuring this all out and adding some of myself to my interpretation and discussing it back and forth with my teacher. And low and behold...SPARKS FLY in my brain. Brain cells that have been dormant for <u>months</u> are being challenged and put to use! I'm figuring things out...I'm defining them...I'M UNDERSTANDING THEM.

And I can see this principal in my own life. The last person I dated took conversations and applied meaning to them based on his past experiences. I did the same. Everyone does it. It's how our brains work. It's how we are wired to operate. And here it is illustrated before your eyes in a riveting story/play. Mamet is suddenly a genius to me for exploiting a simply pyschological fact and demanding we apply ourselves to the story based on the elevating tension and need for a resolution that is based on our own interpretation of who is guilty and who is not.

<i>No wonder</i> I keep thinking about my previous relationship. It was left undefined. If my brain can constantly grapple with why some one would act a certain way and make a promise and then break the promise and completely change....then my brain has a constant source of challenge. I am continually fishing for new information that will build my understanding and comprehension. And without his feedback to do so, without verification from the source, I am left with something challenging to ponder whenever I am bored. <i>It has very little to do with him and a hell of a lot to do with my desperate need to keep my brain challenged and stimulated.</i>

I need to be challenged and form new thought processes and concepts constantly! It keeps me alive. It keeps me thriving. If trying to figure out a failed relationship will do that for me, then it gets thought of and processed a LOT (and thus I never get past it). Acting isn't doing that for me right now. Reading something and comparing notes and meaning with others IS. Perhaps I need to be back in school. Perhaps I should skip the arts like photography and design. Maybe I need to pursue something intellectually challenging such as literature or a degree in psychology. But I don't want to counsel people. Oh no! I want to see their worlds from their perpectives. I want to understand a million different interpretations of one sentence or event. And then I want to assimilate those understandings and incorporate them into my own writing and art. Damn! I'm not sure...<b>but I think I just got my whole life figured out</b>!

And on a much less intellectual note...here is the previously mentioned SLAVE collar from the Crypt (along with estrogen enhancements). Took this picture of it last night:

<center><IMG <IMG SRC="http://pic3.picturetrail.com:80/VOL12/1104657/2130826/25958798.jpg" WIDTH="291" HEIGHT="360" ALT="new choker" BORDER="0"></center>
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