So I'm late with this one I know but I saw The Last Samurai last night and the results set pretty deep. I always feel a bit of pang when I see a good movie because it's a reminder of the dream I worked so hard for and then gave up on and left behind. My degree is in film and screen writing and I worked tons of entry level jobs in the industry including a stint at Paramount Pictures working for a well known producer. But I love the entertainment business more than anything and my heart and soul have always been called to it on multiple levels. And that was only the first layer of last night's experience during the movie...feeling that deep longing to be part of it. That ache that pulls at me and reminds me that no other field will ever fulfill me was just the beginning. It went deeper.
I must have been the combination of seeing so many things at once that I either love or aspire to practice. The mental discipline, the meditation, the way every act in life from worship to planting rice had their complete attention and focus. And the sword fighting...it's called to me since I was a child. Whenever I went to Disneyland as a kid I would go into that store that sells swords (I think it's gone now) and just stare and stare and stare at all the beautiful weapons and long to have my wall covered in them some day. I've wanted to wield a sword as long as I can remember.
And the martial arts. I don't even have the words for how much I love them. I tried Kung Fu for 2 months but didn't have the mental discipline to continue. I need the funds and the time and the discipline to continue this art form that so mesmerizes me. I couldn't help but think about how lucky Tom Cruise's character was just being swept away into this village where he can devote every waking moment to these things. That would be my dream right now. To have all the physical and material clutter removed from my life, or better yet be removed from them, and devote myself completely to the disciplines I so crave.
And finally the acting, my first true love. Some of it was so good in this film that the best moments were the ones with absolutely no dialog at all. There was so much emotion and experience shared in those moments that I just got lost in the beauty and the power of the craft. I remembered that I had somehow discovered acting in 2nd grade and have longed for it ever since. There is simply nothing in life that fulfills me and brings me closer to my divinity and power than being on stage. Nothing.
And there it all was on the screen for me in two and a half hours...the swords, the spiritual practice and meditation, the martial arts, and the experience of a craft that seems to be my very reason for being on this earth. All of it called to me and I could hear it telling me to throw away every material distraction I own and find a way to devote myself to them. Because I can't see any other way in life that I can be completely fulfilled. I don't know yet how to answer that call, not while I have to spend 8 hours a day at a "survival job". And part of me feels like it is time to leave. No matter how much I love this city perhaps it was only a training ground. In the 4 1/2 years that I have been here I've become more happy, outgoing, social and artistic than I have ever been in my life. Perhaps it's time to take those skills and experiences and move on. Maybe I'm being called back to where I moved here from or to a new place where I can put these to good use. I don't know. But I do know that I would move or go anywhere that would let me devote my life to these things I love...these things that the movie so poignantly reminded me of.
