Great night at Utopia. I want to write all about tonight but I think I'm too tired now. I always try to remember the compliments I get when I dance because they mean so much to me. One was extra special. A woman, in a naughty PVC white nurse outfit, told me: "I want to tell you how beautiful you are. I'm sure you're just as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside. But tonight we're really enjoying what's on the outside."
Me...beaming. I love that compliment. Never has any stranger that wanted to tell me I was beautiful ever thought to acknowledge what I might be on the inside. Friends and acquaintances sure. But never a total stranger. Wow.
There was a day earlier this week in which I was stretching after my shower and in the middle of it I just had what I can only describe as a deeply emotional and spiritual experience. I’m supposed to stretch after every shower as part of my physical therapy. Work leaves me little time to do this, and maybe that’s why the injury continues to be aggravated even a year after the accident. I’m too busy rushing around getting ready to work to fully devote a good 10 or 15 minutes to stretching and relaxing.
But there I am in my living room stretching my body in ways that feel so incredibly good. Wow, my back has needed that for ages. And then I could hear my E Nomine CD playing from my bedroom and realize I’m listening to the most beautiful music. And that lead me to think of the room the music was coming from. My new, amazing room that I just moved into. Never before have I had a window of my own overlooking hundreds of houses and the mountains. And even the sliver of the bay I can view from my room is more view than I ever dreamed of.
And then I realize that in addition to my new room I have this amazing new roommate. Some one I feel very fortunate to live with. And then I think of my other friends and realize that in my entire life I have never been loved by so many people. And never have I had (without a partner anyway) such continual and constant sources of physical affection.
And then I remembered that I actually have a dream now. Maybe it’s not plausible. Maybe it’s foolish and vain. But if all goes as I hope, I’ll be packing up my car and heading down to LA next month to pursue it. And I’m bringing it back here to Seattle with me…a dream…an actual way to make a living at something I love that will help and empower other women.
Realizing all of this at once just totally and completely overwhelmed me. And before I knew it I was sitting in the middle of my empty living room crying. Because in all my life I never knew, never even imagined, that life could be so good.
I have been to some of the most lonely and scary and hopeless places in my life. I have lost so much and so many. And I have given up more than once. But something more powerful than myself continues to keep me here and slowly but surely leads me to the places in life that I need to be. It even brought me here to Seattle. It brought me back home. And this is truly home. This is where I have found myself and my joy and my friends and my dreams. If this isn’t worth crying tears of joy for, then I don’t know what is.
Maybe all these feelings are just coming to the surface as I detox from my job. Little by little it was breaking down my spirit and my psyche the way boring day jobs do. And as soon as I escape them, even for a week off like this, I suddenly see my life and the world for what it is and what it can be.
I can only hope this journal entry will serve as a reminded when I go back to work. That beyond the repetitive mind numbing tasks that eat away at the bliss and the joy in my life, is something greater than myself. I felt it that day sitting on my living room floor. And if all those dreams I had once are finally coming true now, what’s to say that all the others can’t come true as well?