May 16th, 2003

socks and cat

Do you know this person?

I've been thinking seriously about what I want. I mean what do I even want a relationship for? I'm happy without a partner. I'm even fulfilled without a partner. So what the heck do I want one for?

I came up with 2 things:

The physical stuff. As a kid there was no affection in my home growing up. No hugs, no kisses, not even a pat on the back. To the best of my memory, no one touched me unless it was to hit me. As a result, I'm physically insatiable as an adult. Like I'll always be trying to make up for what I missed as a kid. I need to be snuggled up with my boyfriend constantly, or at least holding hands. The sex doesn't matter as much, it's a bonus. It's a gift. It's an expression of deep emotions. But mostly I just want the cuddled up closeness and contact.

Being fully expressive and understood. I have different friends that understand different parts of me. So I have certain sides of myself that I express and share with specific people. I have two friends that understand and relate to my sexuality and sexual preference issues. I have two friends that were raised by crazy, abusive parents and so know where I'm coming from and understand when I have reactions to things based on that childhood. I have deeply spiritual friends that I can practice and reinforce my faith with and have deep philosophical discussions. I have intellecutal friends. I have one friend into fantasy and sci-fi like me that I go on and on about Highlander and Star Wars and Farscape with. I have party and dance type friends. And some of my friends encompass not all, but many of these aspects combined. The more of these they share, the closer I am to them.

But none of those friends encompasses, understands and has ALL of those characteristics. So I can never be truly 100% self expressive and understood by any one friend. This doesn't mean I love them any less. I just don't have the freedom to express all of myself around them all of the time. I suppose I could, but they may not fully share, understand, or appreciate it.


I wonder if this would explain why a girl who is cute and smart and creative and outgoing and social (and gets asked out by very nice men) could be single for more than 3 years. Maybe I'm just asking too much. I'm sure he (or she?) exists out there somewhere. He had abusive parents and climbed his way out of that crappy life to surround himself with loving people and positive experiences. He believes in a higher power that is Universal in nature (one with everything) and non-judgmental. He has a spiritual practice that fulfills him and lets him see everyday experiences in a positive slant that most people miss. He enjoys long philosophical discussions about human nature and how the universe works. He's VERY self aware. He LOVES science fiction and fantasy and conventions and costumes. He's slightly nerdy like me. He's cute. Emphasis on cute. It doesn't matter if he/she is all these things if I'm not attracted to them. And as if I'm not being picky enough, they have to be okay with the fact that I don't want children of my own (step-parenting and foster parenting is cool).

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