April 16th, 2003

socks and cat



Tired, just got home, gotta get this out though. My life totally rules! I went to Randy's surprise party at the RickShaw (karaoke bar) tonight. Bunches of us showed up. So I'm sitting there with like almost a dozen friends (a couple close ones, but mostly casual social ones) and just feeling that extreme joy I feel when I'm surrounded by them and having a good time. I have to wonder which brings me closer to pure bliss, dancing or being surrounded by friends as we do something fun together...something that bonds us...or just makes us silly...or just reminds me how incredibly lucky I am. I guess the answer would have to be when I actually go dancing WITH all these friends. Yeah, that's bliss...that's NIRVANA!

I also got to dance with Chad, which is an activity that is always full of surprises. I have yet to meet a man who can dance like he does. He's good, he's damn good. He's in incredible shape and can actually do a back bend and reach all the way to the floor. I can't even do that when supported by holding onto a pole or table. He can just do it and get up again! When we get on the dance floor together, some form or another of dirty dancing usually ensues. But it's more like a competition than a union. Chad and I could never date because he's the only person I know who is a bigger attention whore than I am. He has to be the center of attention constantly. And he has a larger arsenal to draw from in order to do it. He can sing up a storm. He can bend his body in ways I can't yet. But sometimes we get out there on the dance floor together and it's just FUN. And sometimes we find synchronicity. This has led to rumors that we are a couple and wonderment as to why we are not. Only we know the truth behind that.

But best of all tonight was the demonstration I got today that the universe truly does support you when you move toward your calling and your joy. I even have a quote about it posted on my wall. It says:

We can expect deliverance when we are true to the story within ourselves!

Meaning I am no longer fighting to maintain a lifestyle that doesn't allow me to express myself or my talents or my gifts. And the minute I moved in the direction of my calling, even if it was just making that decision and a to do list, I began to operate out of the flow of something more powerful than myself that is lifting me and providing what I need to move toward my desires.

So on to the example! At the party, Mike was telling me that his company is hiring designers all the time. Wow! That shatters my limiting belief that there aren't any design jobs. That breaks it down big time. And Carolina used to work at University of Washington and was able to give me the skinny on the graphic design program there. She said it's very technical, very left brained. She says that companies like to hire UW design graduates because they know they'll do the grunt work. That is SO good to know because that is the complete opposite of the way I need to learn. The creativity will encourage my learning. The technical side, especially a program more heavy on the technical side, will overwhelm me and lose my interest quickly. What a huge mistake I could have made had I not talked to Carolina tonight. Truly, something powerful is watching out for me. I am definately in the FLOW. God this feels good. I'm so happy I'm almost manic.


Can't sleep. This is so unlike me. I don't have trouble falling asleep. I'm laying there awake trying to figure out what's going on. I can't even hold still. I start to think this might be some kind of anxiety thing. You know, life is changing...leaving the comfort zone...etc. And then I realize maybe it's because this design and photography plan neglects the one thing in life I love doing more than anything else. Even more than dancing. Acting is my first love, first and foremost. It has been for as long as I can remember. It is my childhood dream. So I'm laying there awake and thinking, my god, what am I doing? I won't have TIME to finish acting school and do community theatre if I'm in photography school all day and design school all night. I'll be neglecting the BIGGEST part of myself. I'll be wracking up debt for things that are not my first love and my deepest calling. So at this point I'm tossing around in bed thinking I must be having the biggest anxiety attack EVER over all of this.

And then I remember that at the Rickshaw, I ordered tea instead of alcohol. And then I remembered that they didn't have any decaffeinated or herbal tea. And of course then I remembered that I don't drink coffee or soda, so my body has no tolerance for caffeine. And I had like 5 cups of tea! This is not an anxiety attack at all. This is me high on caffeine. I'll be up all night. Silly me.


Way wide awake. This isn't funny anymore. I need some sleep!
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