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socks and cat

cheating

I had a sobering conversation with a good friend today. Her best friend just got caught cheating on her husband because she accidentally sent a text message to her husband that was intended for her lover. Apparently she never intended to end the marriage, just stay in it and have this lover the entire time. But she got caught, and she has completely destroyed and devastated her husband.

My friend and her husband were best friends with this cheater and her husband. So all of them were affected. All of them thought they would all grow old together. And my friend and the cheater are in business together. So she has to work with this girl that has shattered all their lives.

I have been trying to dissect what happened there. I always want to understand why people do these things. There were some things in life this girl needed. She had been in AA and sober for 10 years. So at one time in her life, alcohol gave her what she needed. As a sober woman, she married the guy of her dreams and had the dream life of a successful business and a beautiful home. But I suspect she needed more attention. Because when she had her breasts done last year, she went from an A to a double DD. I don't think that's proportionate. I think that's looking for attention. And she got attention for sure. And she started an affair and then started drinking again.

I guess I wonder what void in her needed to be filled? Did alcohol fill it? And without alcohol, did she need constant love and attention from men to fill it? Do we all have that void or is it only people who have been abused or had dysfunctional families or survived a trauma? Are we all capable of cheating and we just don't know it? I mean I've heard of men actually WANTING to cheat. But when women do it, they all go through their entire lives first thinking they would never do such a thing. But when they aren't getting what they need from their partner, some of them do. Why?

Comments

When one is in a program for alcoholism, that person is told NOT to enter into any new romantic relationships until a certain time - like one year of sobriety. From what I'm told (by a friend who is a recovering alcoholic), people will sometimes use sex/relationships as a substitute for alcohol. So before, when that person might drink away their problems, now they're using sex. Sex becomes the new addiction in place of the alcohol. It happened to Andrew's sister, come to think of it.
To feel happy.
Nah, I used to be a cheater. Cheating didn't make me happy. Cheating made me feel desirable. Cheating made me feel like even though I had a boyfriend, there were still other guys out there who wanted me. Cheating was, at one point, a way to take revenge on a boyfriend who cheated on me. Etc. But the last word I would use to describe how cheating made me feel is "happy."
Thank you for helping me understand cheating a little better.
The only times I ever cheated, it was because I was incredibly unhappy in my relationship, and the person I cheated with fulfilled everything I was looking for. They made me happy.
But if one person made you happy, why didn't you leave the unhappy relationship BEFORE you slept with the one that made you happy? I've always wondered this about cheating.
I was attempting to fix the relationship, and the incident that lead to cheating just happened. One minute my friend and I were just sitting on his couch talking, the next he leaned over to kiss me, and the next thing I knew we were having sex. I broke up with the person I was with after that. He just refused to accept it for a further 2 months.
The person I cheated with made me happy for that moment. But once the sex was over and I had to look at myself in the mirror, all of that temporary happiness was gone.
Wow, that's horrible for all involved....including all of their friends and loved ones around them. I count my blessings that I've never been cheated on (at least that I know of), and have never cheated on any of my past girlfriends. It's just devastating to hear about it happening to others, though.

Egan
i think its not that she wasn't getting what she needed from her husband, i think maybe no one could have filled that void. its in her, or is her issue to fix. i am happily married, but when i wasn't happy i would go to bars and try to get attention but i figured that if my husband were to do that i would be really hurt and angry, i stopped. i thought about what i was looking for and came to the conclusion that we needed therapy, or at least i did, to try to work out what was "missing". i went, and we went together and we are happy, i know now if i look to others for what i want i have to give it to myself now, and that is maybe too hard or complex to look at for some folks. honestly most people treat their cars better than their marriages, or themselves. if your life isn't working for you feel free to get a tune up, you would if your car broke down, right?
This is helpful, thank you.
To Get attention, to feel desired, to feel loved... Those are reasons I have almost cheated on my significant other in the past, although I never did...

I have been cheated on by numerous significant partners though, and I am not sure why exactly, two were for the thrill of something different I think, another because she was just fucked up in the head( Cheated on me at our wedding reception)and another was because we had grown apart over the years, and probably wanted that "New in Love" feeling again.
No one has mentioned thrill seeking. Drama can be pretty addictive and someone in a long marriage with a business and all that goes with it may have seen the affair has a naughty little secret that got way out of control. Just a thought.