Girl who dances in a cage (cagekitten) wrote,
Girl who dances in a cage

How to bed a goth chick...

I found this in an online forum and was shocked by how accurate much of it is. You can click the link below to read it all, but here is an excerpt from it:

"Not playing a violin here. The point is this: Some, and arguably all of these people have very real problems with identity, with depression, with existential ANGST. When they all come together they can relax. For many, Goth clubs are the only places where they can actually express themselves freely without fear of ridicule."

I suspect a bit of it is innacurate, like the idea that guys become goth because of hot goth chicks. And I don't know about the whole sex in the bathroom at goth clubs and goth after parties thing. I was and occasionally still am active in the goth community, but wasn't paying much attention to who was having sex where. So if it's true, some one else will have to tell me. But most of what you read here will be entirely true...

How To Bed Goth Chicks: The 20 Secret Rules Of The Underworld

Ok. There's been some chatter on the subject of Gothdom, and I have to say gentlemen, I am appalled.

Y'all don't know shit.

No offence.

Look, I used to be a Goth, back in the day. This was before I was in the seduction community. I'm still a little Gothy now, although I'd be loathe to admit it (see rule 3, below), and as such, here's a sketch of what you need to know to get started in the debauched world of darkness where all your sins are forgiven and all your twisted dreams made real.

Let me just say a couple of things to start, so you can get my fix on the Goth community. All of this is just my opinion, so don't think I'm casting judgements or proclaiming the ultimate truth of any situation. Also, all this is from the London Goth scene. Nevertheless, I'd be very surprised if most, and maybe all of it, is true of Goths everywhere.


Girls become Goths because they're looking to find a sense of identity, to find acceptance, and they enter a state of mind where the whole "beauty in darkness" thing makes a lot of sense.

Guys become Goths because of the Goth chicks, who are unbelievably hot, wear practically nothing, and lez up constantly. Orgies are not unusual in the Goth scene, which has heavy links with the Fetish scene.

Most Goths aren't Goths because they're making some form of conscious "Fuck society" statement AS SUCH. They may want to "Fuck society", but that's INCIDENTAL to what they're doing. What they're doing is linking with other people who share a similar outlook in a place where they can be accepted.

I became a Goth while I was recovering from a psychotic episode. Thing is, if I were in a normal club and some chick asked me about myself and I said "I went mad," she'd freak and run. In a Goth club, she'd say, "Oh. Ok. What was that like?"

Not playing a violin here. The point is this: Some, and arguably all of these people have very real problems with identity, with depression, with existential ANGST.

When they all come together they can relax. For many, Goth clubs are the only places where they can actually express themselves freely without fear of ridicule.


Goth clubs are VERY DIFFERENT to normal nightclubs. They are much more like social clubs. Goths do not usually go there to hook up with strangers (although this happens with alarming frequency), but instead to see their VERY CLOSE friends and meet with CHILLED OUT, LIKE MINDED, NON-JUDGEMENTAL people.

Finally, Goths are usually considerate and polite. Many people are surprised by this. They are very easy to talk to.

The RULES are therefore as follows.

RULE 1: TREAT A GOTH CLUB LIKE A PRIVATE PARTY. The Goth scene is extremely incestuous, and everybody knows everybody.

RULE 2: DO NOT BE A TWAT. Everyone knows everyone. It will bite you in the ass.

RULE 3: DO NOT TALK ABOUT BEING A GOTH. If someone asks you if you are a Goth, deny it. No true goth would ever admit to being a Goth.

RULE 4: THE TERM "GOTH" IS A PLAYFUL INSULT TO OTHER GOTHS IF DELIVERED BY A GOTH. A good opener is to go up to some Goths dressed as a Goth and say "Excuse me, I'm worried. I've been told that there are some Goths about the place. You haven't seen any have you?" while looking around nervously.

You will not be blown out.

Also, if someone says something really Gothic (ie - "sometimes it hurts so much to be alive" or whatever) you can defuse the situation by shaking your head and saying "You are such a GOTH." Make sure you are dressed as a Goth when you say this, and try to cram some real contempt into the word Goth.

RULE 5: GOTHS ARE INTELLIGENT. This is true. On average, Goths are far more intelligent, artistic, cerebral and philosophical than 'normals'. There are, obviously, glaring exceptions to this rule but generally it holds. Be aware. Read Jean-Paul Sartre's Nausea. Consider it homework. Once you've read it, never bring it up except to criticise Sartre's portrayal of the existential condition as simplistic and tired.

RULE 6: THE GOTH WORLD IS INTENSELY POLITICAL. Remember this. Different cliques abound. Look for the clique with the most beautiful MEN AND WOMEN. This is critically important. That clique is the top clique. If you can get into that clique, you will be extremely well proofed socially. Girls will talk to you just because you are associated with them.

RULE 7: SOCIAL PROOF IS CRITICAL. Social proof is, by my estimate, at least ten times more important in a Goth club than in a normal club, and maybe more. As such, forget the chicks at first, unless you're really, really slick (solid, cool natural game works on everyone). Go for the guys, the pretty guys in the pretty group. Be cool with them. Discuss philosophy if you can. If you can't, read a book so that you can. Anything by a postmodernist/nihilist/French philosopher is good. Jean Baudrillaud combines all three.

RULE 8: MUSIC IS VERY IMPORTANT - Never, under any circumstances, say that you like Marilyn Manson. Goth chicks can get away with this. Goth men CANNOT. It is so mid-to-late 90's, darling. The same kind of applies to Nine Inch Nails, although you can be forgiven for liking Trent Reznor's weird experimental shit. Also, if you even mention the word "Evanescence" without a look of hatred and contempt on your face, you will probably be ejected from the club.

RULE 9: STEER CLEAR OF CONVERSATIONS ABOUT MUSIC UNLESS YOU KNOW YOUR SHIT. Hot bands from the time I was there (3 years ago) are "HIM", Lacuna Coil, and Snake River Conspiracy. There are more, adn they change constantly. Genres usually circle electronica/industrial music. Traditional Goth stuff like The Cure, Morrissey and the Doors is also fine. In fact, it's mandatory. Know your shit.

RULE 10: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES MISTAKE GOTHS FOR EMOS. I cannot overstate this one. There is only one insult that can make a Goth punch you in the face, and that is calling him or her an Emo. Never do this. Never. It is not a neg. It is suicide.

A quick rule of thumb - The difference between a Goth and an Emo is the difference between a tragedy and a tantrum.

RULE 11: NEVER BE HOMOPHOBIC. There are a lot of gay men in the Goth scene. You will get propositioned by men. This will happen. Live with it. Politely decline, then befriend them. Gay men are often extremely popular on the Goth scene. Do not be nasty, snide, insulting, rude. In fact, don't do that in general. Bigotry screams insecurity and in a Goth club it will get you ostracised.

RULE 12: DO NOT BE A CYBERGOTH. No matter what you've taken, never pick up a glowstick, never dress in neon. The Goths who do this (Cybergoths) are the lowest of the low. Talking to them briefly is ok. Never hang out with them for too long, unless you are actually hitting on a hot Cybergoth chick. This is allowed, but you will still be playfully mocked for fucking a cybergoth by other, more traditional Goths. Smile and laugh it off.

RULE 13: CRITICISM IS ACCEPTABLE, SADNESS IS OK, MARTYRDOM IS NOT. You can bitch about anything. Bitching about stuff is what Goths do best. If you are dealing with hard stuff FEEL FREE TO TALK ABOUT IT BUT do not wallow in it unless you are very good friends with whatever Goth you're talking to and even then be as stoic as you can. They all have shit to deal with. If you start dumping on people off the bat, you will be cut out of the social fabric and discarded.

RULE 14: GOTHS DO A LOT OF DRUGS. Goths do a lot of drugs. Speed is rife. Cocaine is rarer because few Goths are wealthy enough to feed a coke habit. Nonetheless, be aware of this. Do not take speed. It is the worst drug you can do. If you think differently, you are a moron, and deserve to do speed as a punishment. If some chick has been gibbering at you for 2 hours straight without pausing for breath, she is on speed. She has no idea who you are. Bad luck.

RULE 15: ONCE YOU ARE IN WITH THE TOP CLIQUE, USE THAT AS YOUR BASE OF OPERATIONS. - Most Goth hookups occur either a) in the toilets of a Goth Club or b) in an AFTERPARTY. Goths rarely leave a Goth club early because they are leaving a world in which they FIT and BELONG. They are very close to their friends. You CAN and SHOULD be able to pull Goth chicks out of the club, but generally the best territory is the GOTH AFTERPARTY. You need to be in the IN-CROWD to get invited. Remember this.

RULE 16: DO NOT WHITE YOUR FACE UP LIKE THE CROW. Seriously, this will end you before you begin. Subtle makeup to pale your skin is fine, but in my opinion utterly unnecessary. If you want to do it, do it. If you don't, don't bother. Goth chicks like the slender, Byronesque effeminate look. Eyeliner works extremely well for some guys. Be subtle. Goths are brutal at spotting and socially destroying Goth wannabes. True Goths don't want to be Goths, and as such look down on those who do.

RULE 17: DRESS WELL. Goths are intensely aware of what other Goths are wearing. The more outrageous your getup, the more you will be mocked if it does not work brilliantly. Wear New Rocks - everyone else will be including the girls - but refrain from going all-out on the Goth thing unless you get it and can do it well. A well cut pinstripe suit, black shirt and white tie with some cool New Rocks - NO FLAMES - will do you fine. You can get all these from a charity shop. Most Goths buy their getup from charity shops. You can actually brag about this and it works. No shit.

RULE 18: GOTHS ARE PEOPLE TOO. Some of the best people I have met have been Goths. Male/female, whatever. Treat them with respect - but remember, they have all got low self esteem issues. They just carry them well. The problem is, if you supplicate, even slightly to a Goth, they will despise you more than they despise themselves, which is a lot.

So be cool. Some of these chicks are so hot they will blow your fucking head off. Some of them are offensively foul. Do not fuck the munters even if really wasted. A lot of them will fuck anyone. You will get a reputation that will cripple you.


Feel free to drop your standards a LITTLE to get a lay BECAUSE - and here's the thing...


My social standing skyrocketed after I fucked this chick once. After that, my reputation preceeded me. It took the pressure off, I can tell you. That said, I was a clueless chump at the time and so I was unable to capitalise on it, but if it happened now I'd clean the fuck up.


RULE 20: THE GOTH WORLD IS DANGEROUSLY AND SUBTLY DESTRUCTIVE. It is also not where you want to end up. All Goths eventually leave the scene, or are destroyed by it. This is not a joke. Watch yourself.

So yeah, happy hunting, gentlemen.

Oh and one more thing... be careful. It's a jungle out there.

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