Girl who dances in a cage (cagekitten) wrote,
Girl who dances in a cage


Tori & Dean

I'm not a fan of gossip, celebrity or otherwise. But I'm not posting about this for the gossip content. I'm fascinated by marriage, relationships, and what happens to them. And I'm having trouble understanding what happened here and what's right and what's wrong.

Originally when the reality series "Tori & Dean: So Inn Love" (the "Inn" refers to their B&B) I was shocked and disappointed. There was a time in our culture when adultery and leaving your spouse for some one else was a shameful thing and you were shunned by society for it. My thought upon first seeing this show is that we are rewarding these two people who left their spouses for one another. Dean in particular left his wife of 12 years and two children to be with Tori. I thought that glamorizing it with a t.v. series was despicable.

Then last night I saw clips of their wedding and listened to how Tori talked about it. That's the first time I started to notice how really in love they were. Tori described their wedding and said that she was full of adrenaline and excitement and at the same time was more calm and at peace than she had ever been. Dean described it: "It was very moving, very powerful, very freeing." I also noticed that they seemed so at ease with one another after only a year together and talked about how they felt like they had been together for much longer. Dean even has a Tori tattoo on his wrist. I can't remember the last time I saw two people who seemed so right for one another, so happy together, so comfortable.

I try to withhold judgments on situation in which I only have one side of the story (such as the press' or only one of the parties involved but not the other). And I suspect that cheating and broken marriages may be the same. What if the marriage wasn't working (not just in the case of Tori and Dean's marriages, but anyones marriage)? What if Tori and her husband Charlie were already unhappy? What if Dean wanted out of his marriage long before he met Tori because things just weren't right? Obviously neither should have slept together until they ended their marriages. But skipping the issue of sex, was leaving their spouses for one another okay if they really are the soul mates they describe one another as? Or should Dean have stayed in the marriage he was not happy in (for the rest of his life) for the sake of his 7 year old son and newly adopted baby daughter?

What do you base this decision on? What if you are facing a lifetime of discontent with the wrong person? Do you pass up the chance to be with some one you are truly, madly, deeply happy with so you can be a good parent? On the other hand, cheating is cheating. Leaving your spouse for some one new you just fell in love with definitely strikes me as very wrong. But I see how their relationship is now and how right they seem together and I'm wondering if they just had to do it because they can't stand to be without one another. I don't have all the facts, so I'm not in a position to judge these two people. But I'm using their situation as an opportunity to question the situation as it happens to thousands of people every day. What are people in this situation supposed to do?

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